Do Jews and
Romance Mix? Topic Notes
We
are in love with love. But whose concept of love?
I
have seen a lot of texts on human relations that tries to pin the blame on “
Judeo-Christian” theology. I say, leave us Jews out of it. You will see why.
Blame
it on Romance
We
start with Romance, Greek and later European
Christian concept, which arise from the thought that the ideal is greater than
the real. The idea of justice is greater than justice. The ideal of beauty is
greater than physical beauty. Therefore, the idea of love is greater than
physical love.
Helen
of Troy will never satisfy Paris, as she can not be perfect ( she dumps him,
according to some versions). Therefore, the object of desire can never be
obtained physically.
The
idea of love is greater than physical love.
Hence, courtly love. The knight who is pledged to his lady, Don Quixote
enamoured of his Dulcinea.
Take
Dante Alighieri and Beatrice. He saw her on a bridge when she was only 9; he fell
in love, greeted her on the street, but
never met with her. He married Gemma, but loved Beatrice.
But
woe to the lovers who consummate their love.
Sir
Lancelot loves Queen Guinevere, wife of Arthur, and the kingdom falls apart.
Romeo
and Juliet are the star crossed lovers who loved not wisely but too well.
It
contyinues into modern years. A recent Polish movie, Cold War, shows two
paramours who love each other madly, can’t live without each other, can’t live
with each other, and commit mutual suicide. They die happily ever after.
Hence,
love’s eternal fail, ancient and modern.
Western
civilization was also burdened by another aspect of Geek thought.
Greeks
( such as Aristotle) perceived the sense of touch as inferior to other senses. Hence
their heirs, the early Christian thinkers, looked down upon physical sex . This
impacted Jewish thinkers as well; the great intellect , the Rambam ,
disparaged” chush hamishush”. ( To be discussed further on).
They
didn’t like their wives:
Hesiod, the Greek poet and
father of Greek mythology says of half of humanity,women : “ the deadly race
and tribe of women who live amongst mortal men to their great trouble, no
helpmeets in hateful poverty, but only in wealth.”
It is interesting to note that
“ helpmeet” as used in this translation, is the same word used, in English
translation, to describe Eve. For the Greek, no helpmeet, for the Hebrew, the
helpmeet.
Whence Woman?
Pandora is no gift- she is the Trojan horse of
the gods-
Pandora, the first woman, was created by Zeus to
punish man because the blessing of fire had been stolen by Prometheus from
Olympus. Zeus gave humans “an evil thing for men as the price of fire.” Thus woman was created endowed with numerous
beguiling and seducing gifts which would plague humanity from then on.
Their greatest
philosopher didn’t think highly of women:
Aristotle
states in his work Politics "as
regards the sexes, the male is by nature superior and the female inferior, the
male ruler and the female subject.” Women are "more mischievous, less
simple, more impulsive ... more compassionate ... more easily moved to tears
... more jealous, more querulous, more apt to scold and to strike ... more
prone to despondency and less hopeful ... more void of shame or self-respect,
more false of speech, more deceptive, of more retentive memory [and] ... also
more wakeful; more shrinking [and] more difficult to rouse to action" than
men.”
DON’T
BLAME US JEWS!
For Us Jews
Male and
Female
We
are created together, in Chapter 1 of Genesis, both are “ Adam:, male and
female !
Chapter
2 gives an “expanded version” of the creation. Adam is lonely and God brings
all the animals of the garden to Adam. None satisfy him. He then creates Eve
out of Adam’s “Tzela”( rib or side) and we have now “ Bone of my bones, flesh
of my flesh.” At this moment, we are told, man abandons his parents and clings
to his wife. This bind is the transition form child to adult.
In
Rabbinic thinking, the difference between Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 is squared
away by the image of an androgynous human, bound in a face to face embrace of
male and female entities, joined at the “tzela”, not a rib, but the organ of
procreation. Separation of the two entities is the first step for self-fulfillment,
while the reunion of the two marks the completion of that fulfillment.
What
is the original sin?
Here
we split with the historic Christian church
Eve is Adam’s answer to existential loneliness,
and we are told that both are “Erom”,naked, and unashamed.
In
the very next line, we are introduced to the snake, who is “Arum”-Clever!
Was
the sexual relationship the result of the snake’s machinations ; was it the
original sin?
Said
Rabbi Joshuia ben Karcha, the text comes to tell us what prompted this wicked
creature: He saw them engaged in “ Derekh Eretz” ( the way of the world, in
other words, copulation) and desired them! (
Bereshit Rabbah 85:2)
Their relationship began before the fruit, not after!
The
early Christian fathers saw sexuality as the outcome of the original sin. Desire
is the seat of the first sin. For the Rabbis, human desire, passion, was
created by God as he shaped( Va-Y-Yetzer) the first Adam. He shaped Adam
with two letter Yods, to indicate that
both “ yezter”, the impulse to good and the impulse to bad are of divine
origin, and essential for the human being.
For
us, wife and lover are one and the same
There
is an odd comment on the story of Lemech, the killer of Cain, and of his two
wives,,Ada & Tsila ( Genessi, Ch. 4)
Rabbi Azariah said in the name of Rabbi Yehudah bar Simon:
this is what the men of the generation of the Flood would do: each of them
would take two wives, one for procreation and one for pleasure. The one who was
for procreation would sit as if she was a widow …and the one that was for
pleasure would drink a cup for sterility so that she did not bear [children],
and would sit by him adorned like a prostitute. (
Bereshit Rabbah 23:2)
Midrash used past to reflect on present. The scholar knew
of the Greek concept of Hetaera, a female companion, both intellectually and
sexually, who attended the symposium banquet with the men, and spent the night
with them afterwards, while the dutiful wife stayed at home with the kids. This idea pervaded many societies.For
example, in medieval Japan, the ideal wife was a modest mother and manager of the home;
by Confucian
custom love had secondary importance. For sexual
enjoyment and romantic attachment, men did not go to their wives, but to courtesans.
It continues to modernity. Recall the funeral of French President Mitterrand—both
wife and mistress walk by the funeral bier.
Rabbi
Azariah was teaching us that we Jews, as couple, are to love each other, for
family and for love, together. Never was the wife/mother to be locked away as a
“living widow.”
Is
there“ Romance” in the Bible
?
Isaac and Rebecca find refuge among the
Philistines ( Gen 26:8) Abimelech, the king, looks out the window and sees
Isaac “metzahek”, playing with Rebecca. That word for play connotes, in
Biblical Hebrew, love-making, in broad daylight, of all things! (This leads to a Rabbinic discussion on just
what is appropriate, during broad daylight, between husband and wife).
Jacob sees Rachel at the Well, and without
so much as a blink, he single-handedly rolls away the stone over the well that
required a band of shepherds to move. (Gen: 29:10). Such is the power of love,
that he, a fool for love, works for 14 years as servant to his father-in-law!
What could be more romantic than the book, the Song of Songs,
so very physical, sensual,so
fixed on the bodily attraction of the two central figures. Therefore,
it is the ideal metaphor for the
love between God and the people Israel, so that Rabbi Akiba
therefore declared it the Holy of
Holies.
“Let me be a seal upon your heart, Like the seal upon your hand. For
love is fierce as death, Passion is mighty as Sheol; Its darts are darts of
fire, A blazing flame.
Vast floods cannot quench love, nor rivers drown it. If a man offered all
his wealth for love, He would be laughed to scorn. (8:6-7)”
From whence do we derives our obligations for conjugal
relations?
Exodus 21 deals
with the laws of indentured servants and makes a clear distinction between a man
and a woman. The woman was to be regarded as a wife, for either the lord, or
for the lord’s son, and was required to be given the same status as any other
wife. The text summarizes that requirement:” Sheera,Ksuta v Onata lo Yigara”- as with all
wives( mishpat habanot), she may never be deprived of proper food, clothing,
and conjugal relationship.
From this, our Rabbis
determine what is the minimum obligation a husband has to his wife – but not
vice versa!
One who vows to separate from his wife , Beit Shammai say, two weeks. Beit
Hillel say one week. Students who leave for the purpose of studying Torah
without the consent of their wives [have] thirty days; laborers, one week. [The
law of providing sexual] pleasure [to one's wife] that is stated in the Torah
[is as follows]: one at leisure, daily; laborers, twice a week; donkey drivers,
once a week; camel drivers, once every thirty days; navigators every six
months; these are the words of Rabbi Eliezer
Mishnah Ketubot 5:6
.
( The only exception for delay is
niddah, the menstrual impurity-- two weeks on, two weeks off. This results in a
heightened desire for the wife and a greater chance of fertlity. It is the direct
opposite of Catholic rhythm method of
birth control.)
Hence, the Talmid Chacham was obliged
once weekly, and that day was Shabbat. The song” Never on a Sunday” could never
have been a hit as “never on Shabbat”.
Did our sages have illusions about
marriages turning sour?
They were realists:
When love was
strong, we could have made our bed on a sword-blade; now that our love has
grown weak, a bed of sixty [cubits] is not large enough for us.
( Sanhderin
7a).
The relation
between husband and wife was a matter of serious study:
On a similar
note, the Gemara relates that Rav Kahana entered and lay beneath Rav’s
bed. He heard Rav chatting and laughing with his wife, and
seeing to his needs, i.e., having relations with her. Rav Kahana said
to Rav: The mouth of Abba, Rav, is like one
whom has never eaten a cooked dish,i.e., his behavior was lustful.
Rav said to him: Kahana, you are here? Leave, as this is an
undesirable mode of behavior. Rav Kahana said to him: It is Torah,
and I must learn.( Talmud Bavli Berakhot 72a)
So how do we look at physical intimacy?
One
of the great classics of marital relations was the Iggeret Hakodesh”, the
Sacred Letter ( commonly attributed to the great commentator and philosopher,
Ramban, Nachmanides, but more probably the work of a great Kabbalist, Ibn
Gikatilla). It was reproduced by many other Jewish writers, a tribute to its widespread
acceptance.
Here is an
excerpt of one key part:
Know that this
connection (between make and female) is a holy and clean thing when it is as it
should be, in the right time and in the right intention. Do not think that in a
proper relationship there is a disgust and ugliness, for the proper union is
known as “knowledge”, and not for nothing is it so named . . .This is not the
case when the teacher ( Rambam, Maimonides) wrote in the “Guide for the Perplexed” ( Moreh
Nebuchim) in praising the Aristotle for
what he said that sense of touch is a disgrace to us. God forbid, it cannot be
as the Greek said, for this Greek’s opinion has a taint of heresy that is not immediately
noticed , for if he truly believed that world was created afresh, this useless
Greek would not have said such a thing! . But all of followers of the Torah believe that God created everything as
His wisdom decreed, and did not create anything that would be disgusting or
ugly. If he would claim that the union is a disgusting thing, then the very body
parts would be disgusting as well. . . How could the Holy One create something that is a
deficiency or a curse, God forbid, but rather all God's actions are perfect.”
What is
kosher sex( as rabbi Boteach has phrased it)?
Shulkhan Arukh Even Haezer 25, in the comments of Rabbi Isserles, that made the code authoritative among Ashkenazim as well as Sephardim:
He may do with his wife whatever he wishes. He may have intercourse whenever he
wishes, he may kiss any part of her body that he desires, he may have k-darka [typical]
or lo kdarka [atypical] intercourse, or
stimulate himself with other parts of her body, ..
(Most importantly, he adds, the wife's interest comes first:)
He may not have intercourse without her consent, and if she is not interested he should appease her until she is interested.
(Most importantly, he adds, the wife's interest comes first:)
He may not have intercourse without her consent, and if she is not interested he should appease her until she is interested.
To sum, back to
the theme of Romance, all of this is wrapped up in songs of the Jewish people
down through the ages, themes of longing and yearning, all wrapped up, as in the last song, with the classic Jewish concept that love is the prototype of religion:
Romanceros Ladino ( Ladino Love songs)
Los Bilbilicos
Los bilbilicos
cantan
Con sospiros de amor
Mi neshama y mi ventura
Estan en tu poder
Con sospiros de amor
Mi neshama y mi ventura
Estan en tu poder
La rosa
enflorece
En el mes de mai
Mi neshama s’escurece
Sufriendo del amor
En el mes de mai
Mi neshama s’escurece
Sufriendo del amor
Mas presto ven
palomba
Mas presto ven a mi
Mas presto tu mi alma
Que yo me vo morir
Mas presto ven a mi
Mas presto tu mi alma
Que yo me vo morir
The
nightingales sing
With sighs of love
My soul and my fate
Are in your power
With sighs of love
My soul and my fate
Are in your power
The rose blooms
In the month of May
My soul darkens
Suffering from love
In the month of May
My soul darkens
Suffering from love
Come quickly my
dove
More quickly come to me
Come, you my soul,
For I will surely die
More quickly come to me
Come, you my soul,
For I will surely die
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Then, there is the eternal tale of the young man and young woman who tra..la..la...
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From Yemen comes a prayer by Rabbi Shalom Shabazi, written as a romantic love poem, to express the longing for redemption
איילת חן—A graceful doe ( also- the Morning Star)
אילת חן בגלות תסמכני
ובלילה, ובלילה בתוך חיקה מלוני
אילת חן בגלות תסמכני
ובלילה, ובלילה בתוך חיקה מלוני
ובלילה, ובלילה בתוך חיקה מלוני
אילת חן בגלות תסמכני
ובלילה, ובלילה בתוך חיקה מלוני
לכוס יינה אני תמיד מזומן
ונתערב, ונתערב חמד יינה בייני
לכוס יינה אני תמיד מזומן
ונתערב, ונתערב חמד יינה בייני
ונתערב, ונתערב חמד יינה בייני
לכוס יינה אני תמיד מזומן
ונתערב, ונתערב חמד יינה בייני
שתו דודים לעומתי ושכרו
והעירו, והעירו לשכל רעיוני
שתו דודים לעומתי ושכרו
והעירו, והעירו לשכל רעיוני
שתו דודים לעומתי ושכרו
English Translation: A
graceful doe supports me in exile/ And here in her bosom she’ll lodge me./ To
drink from her cup I am always prepared,/ She mingles her wine with my lees. /Before
me, my friends, drink and be drunk,/ Rouse the reason that’s sleeping within
me./ There in her palace sits the daughter of kings, Her table ready for those
who are with me./ For every lover there comes a time to part, But with ardor my
love shall recall me./ He adorns his lady with grace and with kindness, In
paths of grace and of kindness he leads me./ For my beloved I spread out the
clouds of the heavens, My desire she never denies me./ Fifty are her gates,
solid and firm, and with The favor of Leah her wisdom sustains me. /She arouses
Rachel’s love for her children, Unto the tenth kingdom’s secret she’ll raise
me./ God, hasten to bring unto thine people salvation, And may my tongue be
made pure within me. /Thy great peace shall encompass those whole of heart, The
sons of the pure man, a charm unto thee.
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